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Swirlygate Atlantis
Episode 6: Bathroom Boggle 
03.02.09 12.09
"Bathroom Boggle"

Satirizing: Women's roles on starships, and why there's no bathrooms in space!

Note:  Due to both the limited timeline that the Swirlygate Project has, and the fact that we don't really own puddlejumpers (though, now that the show is cancelled, maybe Martin will lend us one?) we chose not to film this episode. It is, however, a lot of fun, so we decided not to deprive you of it!

 

INT. A Hallway in Atlantis. Day

MEREDITH and JOAN are exiting the meeting room. JOAN is dancing like she has to pee.

JOAN:

I am so happy that's over.

MER:

Oh, thanks. Vaguely offended over here.

JOAN:

No, I don't mean your talking, although, I have to say, Mer, that sometimes brevity can be a virtue.

MER:

So why are you happy?

JOAN:

I can go to the bathroom now.

MER boggles a bit.

MER:

I told you you should have gone before we went into the briefing.

JOAN:

I didn't have to go then. Besides, the bathrooms on the lab floor are gross. You geeks need to have a better cleaning rotation.

MER:

For a Lieutenant Colonel in the Air Force, you're a bit of a princess.

JOAN:

It's not my fault the ancients didn't build their bathrooms like ours!

MER:

And I suppose it's mine? Go, go, before you pop.

JOAN dashes off screen, relieved.

Swirlygate Intro

INT. The PUDDLEJUMPER. DAY

MER is already seated in the copilot's chair. JOAN slouches in and sits in the pilot's.

MER:

Ready? Happy?

JOAN:

Yes.

MER:

Because there's no bathrooms in this thing.

JOAN:

I know.

MER:

And it's a half hour re-entry sequence into MX3-778.

JOAN:

I know. I was at the same debriefing as you.

JOAN reaches out and grabs the joysticks. A HUD flickers on.

MER:

And you washed your hands?

JOAN:

Me-er!

MER:

What? We live in a very close knit community and I don't want to get your germs.

JOAN:

You know, for a chick living in a sci-fi fan's dream world, you're not very compassionate.

MER:

What is that supposed to... no, wait, wait. 

MER clicks on her headset and pulls up a HUD of her own.

MER: (CONT'D)

This is puddlejumper one to flight. We're all set.

Chucknition: (V.O.)

Puddlejumper one, this is flight. You have a go.

JOAN:

Roger that.

Cut to:

INT. Jumper bay. Day.

Exterior shot of the puddlejumper rising into the air and the bay door opening.

INT. Gateroom. Day.

The puddlejumper glides smoothly through the wormhole.

EXT. IN orbit above a planet. night.

MER turns to JOAN and scowls. 

MER:

What does that mean?

JoAN:

What does what mean?

MER:

That I'm not compassionate? I'm compassionate! I'm very compassionate! I can be very compassionate when I want to be! Except with Kavanaugh, but she... I mean I --

(AN: I'm not scripting your rants anymore, Karen. You're always much better at making them up than I am at writing them. I'll cut you off when you run out of steam. ~_^)

JOAN:

You make your minions CRY.

MER:

Yes, well, they're my minions. They don't count.

JOAN:

But, no, see that's what I mean. Women in scifi are supposed to be... be nurturing and caring and communicating and stuff.

MER:

And ‘stuff’?

JOAN:

You know what I mean - nurses and councilors and communications officers. Women don't... don't fly ships, and spout technobable and say things like 'we're clear to launch' and, and shoot things, and, blow up...um... rocks... and stuff that shouldn't according to any laws of physics ... you know... actually blow up... so...

JOAN peters out lamely. MER gives her the fish eye.

MER:

You are the biggest geek EVER.

JOAN:

Uh, yeah. (clears throat) We're in geosynchronous orbit above the power readings, Mer.

MER flips open her laptop and starts to tap on the keys, humming and oohing. After a minute she says, without looking up:

MER:

You're right though. If we were real scifi babes, our uniforms would be too tight. With miniskirts. And they wouldn't be made with a top button.

JOAN:

We don't have buttons.

MER:

Zippers, whatever, you know what I mean. And we'd have to wear bikinis and we'd squeal when we shoot--

JOAN:

You squeal when you shoot.

MER:

And we'd keep getting kidnapped just to give the male protagonists something to spur them into action--

JOAN:

Hey, you're the one who keeps getting abducted by the Genii--

MER:

And we'd cry a lot!

JOAN:

You bitch a lot.

MER slaps JOAN upside the head. JOAN laughs.

MER:

So what, I'm the girl, then?

JOAN:

You ARE a girl, Mer.

MER:

I... Oh. Yeah. Huh.

MER grins and unzips her jacket a ridiculous amount and bats her eyelashes. JOAN brays with laughter.

JOAN:

Oh, please!

MER:

Think I should do this next time we meet a hot native priest?

JOAN:

I'm not rescuing you when he tries to sell you into slavery.

MER:

Yes you will. You need my brain to keep your precious city floating.

JOAN rolls her eyes and laughs. MER, smiling, goes back to her laptop.

JOAN:

He'll never be fooled, anyway. He'll want you be a good little wifey and you'll make his ears bleed and you'll have to use the blender to make a complex bomb to escape.

MER squirms and doesn't look up.

JOAN: (CONT'D)

I said a complex bomb to escape.

MER waves her hand at JOAN, telling her to shut up, and squirms some more.

JOAN: (CONT'D)

What's wrong?

MER:

Nothing.

JOAN:

Liar.

MER:

It's nothing. I just... I shouldn't have had that extra coffee when you were in the bathroom?

JOAN brays with laughter.

Cut to:

INT. A public restRoom. Day.

JOAN is leaning against the door of the cubicle. MER's feet are visible underneath the gap.

JOAN:

Tune into the Scifi network for new episodes of "Stargate: Atlantis".

MER: (V.O.)

Sheppard! Paper!

JOAN grins and holds up a roll of toilet paper that was hidden under her arm.

MER: (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Seriously, paper! Now!

JOAN:

Say it first.

MER heaves a sigh.

MER: (V.O.)

Where we're played by men. Happy? Paper!

JOAN leans down and tucks the paper toilet roll under the door, smirking.

Fade To:

http://community.livejournal.com/swirlygate

Comments 
03.03.09 02.08 (UTC)
LOL! I just watched (and read) the whole Swirlygate oeuvre. Brava, ladies! Hilarious and very true to the Stargate ethos. :D
03.04.09 03.07 (UTC)
But...but--there's still no why for why there are no bathrooms in space! D:

If I offer coffee-flavored cookies, will Mer explain it to me?
03.30.09 18.54 (UTC)
HAHAAH! Nicely done! I've been watching the Swirly gates from the start you girls are really talented and i really mean that! Great job! Wish there could be more of it though. Hey who knows...maybe one day you might win a contest or something and you'll get to shoot in a jumper! ^___^
05.01.09 16.54 (UTC)
Ha! Awesome! Wish you could've filmed it...
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